I like my social life like my drinks: lively, exciting, and vibrant. I’ve never been much of a wine drinker, I don’t like how silently it sits surrounded by high glass walls and how many chances you’re meant to give it to ‘let it grow on you.’ I guess you could call me impatient, but I’ve always preferred the drama of a cocktail: the mixing up of mad ingredients, the glinting of the silver shaker as it’s thrown through the air, the theatrics of the bartender. You try it once and you either love it or hate it. There is no, ‘oh wait until the main course, it will go much better with your steak.’ It gets one chance to make an impression, and if it doesn’t – depending what mood you’re in on the night – you either drink it up anyway, loathing every goddam expensive cent of its existence, or you push it to one side and move on to the next wacky combination…however you never, ever, EVER order it again.
I lived my life very much like I drank my drinks during AU-PAIR ROUND 1, the most relevant of these being the way I went about making friends; I wanted to meet someone once and for it to be as amazing as the concoction of a cocktail. I thought laughs, giggles, and stories should be in abundance. That there should be an instant connection and a high probability of ‘Best Friends Forever’. I had no interest in small talk with someone ‘nice enough’ or waiting for our relationship to deepen in the same way the colour of a vintage red does. I had no patience for that, and no hope either. I gave up on things if they did not instantly promise to be great, and just like my cocktails, would either push them aside, or simply, never ever see them ever again.
However it has since come to my attention that you are more likely to see an adult with a glass of wine in their hand than a tumbler with a paper pirate perching on a piece of pineapple (try saying that quickly 5 times!) That’s because they’re willing to give things time to simmer, to evolve, to develop. The are knowledgeable and worldly enough to know that some things really do improve with time and such things are worth waiting for.
With this in mind for my AU-PAIR ROUND 2, I have taken heed from said sensible wine drinkers and decided to reconsider my friend-making process.
Month One and Two are Key:
Literally hundreds of au-pairs arrive in Paris every September, all complete loners, just like you. Everyone wants friends and they want friends quickly. They’re like a security blanket and so people will go out of their way during those first few months to make friendships that will last them for the whole year. DO THE SAME. Yes au-pair picnics are lame, yes it’s tiring to try and remember 100 different names in one week and YES you will meet a lot of people you don’t click with, but keep meeting anyway. Go out and treat it as the first recruitment stage if you will, a sort of ‘talent spotting’ for the stages to follow. This was something I definitely didn’t do enough of last year, and found myself wanting to meet people half with through with no one being interested, as they met all their friends during the first few months and were off doing fun friend things. I can’t express how important it is to be proactive when you first arrive in order to meet lots of new girls who you can spend your year in a foreign country with. Even if you don’t see a lot of them ever again, you’ll have a lot of people to chose from to have as your close group and you’ll never feel lonely.
Coffee Dates & Lots of Them
Yes, I know you’re sick of coffee, I FEEL YOU SISTER, but keep drinking it anyway. Keep being asked the same boring questions about how many boring kids you have and continue to ask the same boring ones in return. Force yourself to stay interested and to make yourself sound interesting too. I hated coffee dates last year: I didn’t see how you could see what a person is like over a cup in a crowded café, but that was part of my problem; pessimism will GET YOU NO WHERE. Go feeling positive, and walk away feeling positive. I am very much in favour of group outings later on, but coffee dates can be useful to get to know the girls you met briefly at picnics in more detail. You can see if they laugh at your anecdotal nappy-changing disasters and kid moans, or if they are all LOVE THE KIDS, something which could be a deal breaker. Remember though, even if someone doesn’t blow your mind on a one-to-one basis, everyone deserves a second chance. People have off days, are shy or maybe just take a little while to open up. Don’t pass off someone like silly old cocktail-loving me, have a second sip, they may just grow on you. Consider this as the interview stage, for both you and your potential new mate.
Group Outings:
Once you’ve found a group of girls who have passed the basic coffee interview stage and you’ve not bored one another completely to death, get a group together and go on a day out. A museum or market is good as there are things to look at and plenty of conversation starters. You’ve passed the interview stage, the questioning is over, now it’s the trial period: you want to see how you live life together; if you laugh at the same stuff, have similar interests, can have fun in the same places. Group outings make this easier as it’s less pressure than a one-on-one and I often find that when mixed together in different combinations people can surprise you.
Build on Foundations:
Spending time with one person after so much ‘group-time’ can be daunting; you want it to go well, the interviewing process is nearly over and its SO CLOSE and you’re afraid it’s going to crumble down at the last hurdle. DON’T BE. Trust yourself and commit to blocking out a day with someone, pick something fun to do and see where the time takes you. Seeing four people in one day may make you feel very popular and in demand, but spreading your time so thinly won’t help you build on the foundations and make long-lasting friendships. I’ve been surprised this year at how much people I didn’t think I’d click with have made me laugh, help me come out of my shell and have a generally awesome time. A whole day with someone you still know fairly little about forces you to eventually get past the au-pair questions and on to much more exciting topics, like, I don’t know, Tinder.
Stop Making Friends:
ANDDD BREATHE. You did it, you got your team! You’ve got a cool new group of mates you’re comfortable enough to share the toilet with on a night out. But friendships don’t evolve by themselves and it’s important to keep in touch and planning cool stuff to do with your mates. DON’T GET GREEDY: If you spend your whole year trying to expand your social circle and continuing to meet new people constantly, you’ll end up with a lot of acquaintances without anyone to have a good snotty cry to when your host mum is being a bitch, which believe me, will happen. Keep your friends close, you work with KIDS now, you’re going to need them!
by Steph Cvetkovic, writer and blogger.
